Sunday, September 11, 2011

Delayed reaction...

Normally on Sunday I show you my big project for the week. But I can't today. It's finished, I have photos, it was received with much happiness. I just cannot write that post for you right now. I avoided it all day. I had a lot of fun with Z-man this afternoon. But I sat down to write and there it was. The 9-11 coverage I tried not to watch. I feel it would be sacrilegious on some level to write to you the cutesy post I had planned right now so I'll do it tomorrow. Since the where-I-was posts seem to be dominating blogland right now, I'm going to add mine in, even though I wasn't planning on doing so.

It was my first year of teaching, and I was having a rough time (I didn't last long in the job, in case you're wondering). I had realized teaching was not for me, and I felt stuck. I was depressed like I've never been. I cried every day. And it was just the beginning of the school year. My school was in a very bad neighborhood, and the kids functioned on more of a first grade level (instead of fourth) for the most part. Some had one meal a day (provided by the school). Some ran home to avoid the groups of nefarious people that gathered on the corners. It wasn't good. When the announcement came that "due to the tragedy that you will be hearing about, school will be dismissed at...." I couldn't imagine what it was but I felt relief that my afternoon would be free of part of the job I hated. I know, I know...selfish relief amidst an epic tragedy. Looking back, I hate myself for that. But I didn't know...nobody did. We were in our classrooms, teaching reading or math... I assured my students they were safe, and that they needed to go immediately to wherever it is they were supposed to go after school--no stopping, no playing. I felt I had done a good job with my first unexpected dismissal.

Then my dad called, and told me what had happened. I sped home, and burst into the front door to haunting images on the TV I want to erase from my brain.. It was too surreal, and it still is. I was too wrapped up in my own little world of sadness and selfishness to encompass the depth of the situation. Either that, or the emotions were the same, and intermingled to a point where I couldn't separate the causes. It's actually hitting me more right now. Right now as they're singing Danny Boy, and knowing ten years worth of info that wasn't available on that day. Face after face goes by, faces that were once here but now aren't. Faces that were kissed goodnight and good morning, were told "I love you" and "See you tonight."

So I'm going to go now, because I don't want to think anymore. But I'll see you tomorrow. Because if ten years have taught us nothing else, it's that life must go on. Good night.

1 comment:

  1. In 2001 i had been a stay-at-home mom for 1 yr 7mths. I took care of my then 2yr-old & 4yr-old. I remember I cried a lot. Until my kids went to primary school, my life was extremely difficult and basically revolved around them. When 9-11 happened, I saw the images on tv but it felt so unreal. When the truth finally sank in, I still could not believe or understand it. Yes, life must always go on.



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